Assemblies of Jest and Witticism

Curse the Devil and revile the walls, with a curse time cannot hold and an insult the ages cannot bear, the one who joined us with women in the way flesh joins men with boys. So let our horn shake between their thighs, let our pillar grind in the cleft of their mountains, let our pot enter their felt, and send us into their salve-jars. Fill our bowls with sweets and wine, our platters with bread and roast, fill our ears with the sound of harp and rebec, and adorn our gathering with the lights of bright cheeks like moonlight. Press their bodies close to ours upon the dust. Bear witness that no sweetness is more delicious than ruby lips, no color finer than the hue of the ruby, that eating roasted meat is complete only with its sauce, and the belly of the reveler is filled only by nourishment. Bear witness that a coarse fellow in hard times is more useful than a fine stew, that the sound of the lute is sweeter than the scrape of the cotton-carder's bow, and the singer's melodies finer than the tap and clatter of the weaver, and that the iron shield is stronger than the saddler's leather, a testimony that helps only among strangers and is heard only by one whose ear is fit for nonsense. And in the chin-cleft of whoever hears this, a sharp path, huge and huge. Now then: Abu Sha'sha' al-Kasajani told us, saying Abu Shalqalaq al-Sistani told us, saying Abu Dayyuth al-Jurjani told us, saying Abu al-Baqara, the vilest of men next to the whispering tempter, curse them all, said: coupling on Friday is nearer to piety in a group, and coupling with women by consensus is better than gathering with slave-boys and children. He also said: shaking one's own member for relief, when permitted, in the act of release, is lighter in cost and more delicious than plowing a mere blossom. The one who spoke and the one who relayed it both lied, and I am among the liars, and all of you together are in the lowest pit. Although the way to begin advice and open speech is not with 'there is no power but in God', which would make the assembly recoil and, at the prompting of this phrase, spit as if pissing in their mouths, still it is certain that the accursed Devil, in imitation of the raven of parting, seeks a distance from these irreligious sinners as far as between the two easts. So it is best that we cling on a while and drop off from the tail like dung; for the prayer of these wretches and the counsel of these sons of whores is this: to the crowd present in this gathering, gazing at the face of this ranting old fool, O accursed one, grant them the enjoyment of one another's private parts, and grant divorce and separation between husband and wife. Grant these wine-drinkers without obedience and these penniless sons of whores full strength in taking and giving, and in laying down and entering, command the world-granting cup, and the pleasure of kisses sweet as sugar from the lips of dear ladies and precious beardless youths, from India to Khujand, with great backsides like Alvand mountain, bring all to their desire. Make the reveling of the witless a feast of the sugar and almond of the beloved's eyes and lips, and keep the ears of these longing ones filled with the discordant song of the nightingale, the gurgling of the flask, and their eyes bright with the sight of luminous faces and rounded backsides. Make blind and deaf the disapproving eyes of rivals and pretenders, and the senseless ears, in seeing these acts and hearing these words. Wherever a sweet-strolling darling is trapped in the hand of some ugly wretch, cast him modestly and decently beneath these longing ones. You wretches, say amen with desire. O Devil, O accursed one, wherever a penniless man is worshipping, thinking of a lady's parts or a beardless youth, and rouses his member with spit in the furnace of his fist, seek out that harlot and make ready and blessed for him that stump. And wherever a bankrupt sincere fellow has carried off a beloved into a ruined corner or the nook of a neighbor's house, keep him there in that cottage safe from the hand of the stranger. O you who say amen, grant me coupling. O my dear friend, O mine of farts and belches, lend me an ear and mind for a moment, with a beard in my backside as on nights past, so I may scatter a few farts on your mustache and set you on my knee as at other times. I have read your nonsense; it is a tale like the pact and covenant of a debauchee and a broken-down sodomite, or like a fart from children's backsides settled among sodomites. It is a story like unsound stumps and slack as the drawstring of a harlot's trousers, a saying from the depths of the sea of debauchery and depravity, a rarity fit for these shameless infidels, a riddle from the cottage of corruption, a nudge from the private chamber of stubbornness, a spark from the burning eye of pimps, a fruit joined to us from the deceit-garden of the brethren. It is a burning brand I hammer onto the whiskers of the assembly, a heresy by which I laugh at the beards of my listeners. The interpretation of this nonsense and the meaning of this raving is that coupling on Friday with a group of women, and taking slaps from the rivals, is by consensus of the babbling companions more fitting and pleasing than tearing children's backsides and hauling dung from the corners of their nooks. Beware of foolishly poking a bead into Caesar's palace to mark the slave-boys, and do not lodge the manner of a donkey's staff in the whispering cup of the veiled ones. Question: Master, spare us, and beware, in your beard is quaking havoc. Come, what nonsense will you rant and what rubbish will you chew? On what proof did you order, and for what reason declare, that we should press our mustaches into the backsides of tricksters, hand our beards to stumps, and set our whiskers on the pimp's parts? Answer: Know that if a bewildered youth, a debauchee, a merchant, roams about with nothing to trade, seeking some pleasure from him, he grasps his aim with much thought and endless reckoning; and after attaining it, whether entering the willful one with the aid of spit succeeds or not, it may be that he springs up from beneath, or presses his member against her, and acts by this verse: give in and eat the member, the world is nothing more than this. And if with a hundred efforts and struggles he splits it like a hard shell and finds a stump, and if the pimp sends him after some prick, at once with such talk he wins the heart, saying: With a face like the moon and a form straight as a cypress, with black tresses and parts and backside like ivory. Whether you settle in the field of 'whoever descends into it finds rest', or make merry on the mountain of 'whoever climbs it has found rest', now circle the silver dome in pilgrimage, now dive in the sea of the buttock's palace. For a moment blow your horn on the turning mill's roof; for a breath drive the bead into the chamber of the beloved's insides. For an instant push the letter alif into the cleft of the kaf, for a glance the awl into the round hole like a navel. For a while keep moving on the summit of the fortress of 'whoever climbs it is safe from harm', for an hour tremble in the strong citadel of 'whoever enters it, lust dwells in him'. If there is no fault in the object of desire, then by reasonable means both aims are present here, as is told in the books: once a sodomite sent a pimp in search of some object, and at once she produced a virgin girl. The sodomite said, I desire only one who has, beneath, two testicles and a member. The pimp said, then stick a carrot in her private parts and hang two onions on her, if you have no other aim. This other raving I recited rests on this: that a penniless wretch and a sincere vagabond who has no gold to procure a harlot should bring a bit of spit from the jug of saliva, reckon the seed-water as little, and escape the cruelty of the whore and the abuse of the stump, as they have said: O man of reason, beware, do not trouble yourself so much chasing coupling. Do you not, after all, know this much of the phrase, 'ease lies within the palm of the hand'? *** O friend, whether you are from Ray or from Shiraz, do you know what coupling without a partner is? That you sit in a corner in solitude, and with your own palm make of it whatever parts you wish. It is time I came down from this height and got busy with these scarred fellows. Convey to all this carrion that tomorrow at dawn he should come here, so he may again enjoy the pale color of our dead member, and bring other harlots with him, and lead astray every fair-faced darling they find, and throw down the well every old highway-robber woman who is with him. Sealed and regretted; the first session is complete.

The Second Assembly (a satire) Our sheikh, the Ape, father of whispered temptation, told us; and Abu Shahma of Kufa told us; and Abu Zafir told us; and the master of sneaking whispers, the accursed one, chief of pharaohs and king of devils, meanest of creatures and lowest of servants, deceit clad Satan, the curse of God upon him, said: whoever forsakes women and takes to boys and searches out his brothers will be gathered on Judgment Day alongside Pharaoh and Haman. He lied, that enemy of God, and you are among the liars. It is a false report, a limp fabrication with a rotten chain of authority, from that leader of the army of error and lord of the country of ignorance, the guide of the outcast and model of the rejected, that fruit of the tree of wretchedness and that center of the circle of seduction, whose name resounds throughout the world with reproach and whose star the horizons curse; so that no stir may arise from the geometry of his temptation, and no trouble and quarrel may mix together. The sleeve of his robe of wretchedness bears this embroidery: 'The curse is upon you until the Day of Judgment.' The heading of his letter of damnation carries this seal: 'You are among those granted respite.' The royal cipher of his error is this: 'Rouse whomever you can of them with your voice.' The image of his beauty and slyness has this hue: 'Bring your cavalry and infantry against them.' This accursed report is narrated from that catamite sheikh: that every cowardly, ill-starred man who abandons keeping company with women, washes his hands of loving them, avoids their intimacy, and flees from endless coupling with them, and instead prowls around the fortress and stronghold of boys, driving the bead pin hard into their rears, and gives the benefit of himself to his Muslim brothers, such a man the king will fittingly, on the Day of Reckoning, muster together with Pharaoh and Haman. My dear, beware of treating this report as mere metaphor, or taking this counsel as a joke; welcome these words from the depths of your soul, apply this rod with all its display in true sincerity, plant your horn in the drum of boys and grip your beard in their fists, so that you fall under this address: 'Whoever does that has suffered a great loss.' O sir, rub yourself for a few days at the feet of male whores, but if you circle their groins you will find nothing but stinging thorns, and if you crawl the length of their ditch you will see nothing but biting snakes. Set the hand of resolve on the belt of the physicians' drum and step out seeking them, so that one day some of that stinking rear may reach your beard and mustache. Open at last the eye of instruction and see what shape your death colored rod has: it is a stub whose mold is a felt lump. Had it been made for the vulvas of women, its shape should have been an axe. Question: Master of rumbling ruckus, what wisdom is there in this, that coupling from the boys' corner is sweeter than from women's parts? Answer: You accursed babbler, you have brought a fine question and a most delightful tale. You wretch, don't you know that water in a well at the foot of a minaret is sweeter than water beside a sewer? Abu Nasnas the sodomite always gave his people this counsel: O boys, take your share of something you will not find in paradise; and the truth is, this is the craft of the clever and the way of the wise: That mine of the rear is the choice of the world's clever men, a school full of profit and a most exalted craft. Whoever, like Abu Nawas, sets himself to sodomy, is freed from the grief of expenses and the pain of running a household. When would a true man crawl for anything but a silvery rear? Whom shall I tell? True men are rare in this world. I am the slave of one whose trade is eating porridge, whose profession is cutting noodles, whose craft is offering his rear, whose work is swallowing beads, so that afterward his wife and children may reap the reward. As it is told, there was a sodomite whom no child escaped from the blow of his weapon nor was saved from the wound of his rod. When he died he left a handsome son who did in a single day what his father had done in a year. He was asked: 'Your father was an active partner and you are the passive one; how is it your father was drawn to rears and you to the male member, he to being on top and you to being underneath?' He said: 'I am paying my father's debt and keeping his pledge.' If a man comes through and honors his pledge, he turns out to be more than anything you would have imagined. A worthy son is one who settles his father's debt and leaves him under no burden of loans. If you want your debauchery to reach the star Capella by catapult and the wave of your depravity to sweep past the porch of Saturn, lay your chest on the dust and come under the rod. A man, in the tug and pull of fate, must be the lower millstone. So that he may fit this address: 'For them is the curse, and for them the evil abode.' Companions of the block, hear my counsel, though the tree of my advice yields nothing but scandal. Even if all the world's asses climb onto your backs, be truer with every moment. Whether you are a slave or a trickster of the block, be without name or honor: let the member charge you like a galloping lion until you reach a point where, even if you fart and struggle for seventy years, it will do no good until you let go of yourself. Even if you were Rustam son of Dastan, of Kai Qubad's line, don't act so that you die without having been coupled. And even if you had all the world's cunning, by my member, you will not get free without being taken.

Thus decrees the Lord of the Sword and the Horse, of the Wheat and the Lentil, of the Spear and the Shield, of the Duck and the Vulture: Lightning of the Faith, Thunder of Islam and the Muslims, Revealer of the Here and the Where, Lover of Devils, Cutter of the Cooking, Monk of the Monastery and Man of Little Good, Sea Whale, Mountain Leopard, the Spyglass of East and West, the Table Setter of Iraq and Khorasan, the Storm of the Age. Whatever is round like a bowl, whatever is white as linen, whatever is black as sackcloth, O people, drop it and let it swell. Off with you, night and day, land and sea, lute and gambling. My brothers, one by one, stallion by stallion, among you are the boys, and so the age behaves. So upon you falls the joining of the Hamdani. My charge to you, O beloveds of Satan, is to abandon prayer and enter the taverns and practice sodomy before the Angel of Death comes to take your souls, for I am a faithful counselor to you, as the preacher of license said: license is ease and prohibition is unbelief, trousers are a veil, and spitting is heresy. Let us all raise our feet and clasp our hands and say: Lord, deliver this prayer upon the households and children of those assembled here. The Najdi sheikh, upon him be the curse, told us with his crippled chain of transmission, from Iblis, that at midnight he climbs Mount Damavand and cries: O company of men and people of ruin, rise up before death and kill before you miss your chance. A false report and a shaky chain, from the sheikh of libertines, Iblis, God's curse upon him: that when midnight passes and the ache of the hangover ends and the gathering of the free ones concludes, that accursed, banished, wretched, hellbound Iblis climbs Mount Damavand, brings a drum of dog skin and a strap of tribal leather, and starts beating that strap upon the drum. Wherever, from east to west of the world, there is a Hamdani, it stiffens like an anvil, and Abul-Abbas, like Harmas, begins to foam beneath his robes. And if there happens to be some helpless wretch nearby, he throws the arm of accord around the neck of his longing, and at once sets his little jewel box of a mouth in motion and puts these lines to work: It is the commander's order, now, lady: yes, my idol, turn your rear around, and quickly. Turn your rear, and turn it quickly: bravo, rear, and be glad, both front and rear. Question: what if a lover of this sort cannot be had? Answer: You cursed dog, if none can be had, seek out a donkey, round and white, with a hump, sharp ears and stuffed haunches, round rump and long tail; for the scholars have described it thus. Place three bricks under your feet, and if that won't do, tie a little stick across the donkey's two knees and set your feet on it and thrust into the donkey, and hold a bunch of greens in your hand, so that if at the moment of climax it craves a few kisses from its candy lips, you can hold the greens before its eyes, and when it lifts its head, give a kiss to its sugar snout. I have no one, I am a stranger, homeless, what do I do? When you will not give and the donkey won't be mounted, what do I do? Question: what if the donkey won't be mounted? Answer: put running slippers on your feet, get a piece of soap, rub it into your palm at the bathhouse, and bring your hand down over the head of this thing in a circular motion. Master, if you have sense and composure, you would choose no other work but masturbation. What is sweeter than, at the moment of coupling, to drive it in to the balls and see its head appear? You wretched, luckless ones, ask me why this verse came down. If on Judgment Day they seize you for this sin, who will answer for it? Time is precious now, and we have found this time; take care, learn it and practice it. O master reciter, let me say a few lines about you: God made all people from water and clay; how is it that he made you from lime and dung? Your mother gave birth, then your father looked at you and cursed the one who bore you. Muslims! I have a cock that is no Sufi, yet has a bald head; no ascetic, yet goes into holes; no blind man, yet has a single eye. If the elephant were to feel the sting of its spike, it would choose death over life. If a boy is thrust into dry, his rear will burn until Resurrection Day. Time is precious, the gate of hell stands open, and the hellkeepers stand watching, awaiting the arrival of your ill-omened selves. O ugly ones, O pimps, O feeble old men, O young men with unsound rears! Rise for one hour and open your mouths like donkeys and begin that thing, for this stranger has come down with an affliction beside which he counts all the sorrows of the ages as joy, a torment against which he reckons all the pains of the world a cure, and it lies between the legs of this weak Hamdani, fit for princes. The Persians call it kir, the Turks sik, the Arabs zub, the Khwarazmians hamdan, and every people and every city gives it a title and a name. Who has a wrapped-up woman or an old mother to lay in this weakling's path? Whoever does this act of generosity, Lord, grant him dry fava beans for food, take away his teeth, bestow deafness and itching upon him, and let his nails fall out. Grant their wives and sisters bread and onions and a long cock, by the truth of light and fire, trees and flowers, and, Our Lord, spare us the torment of the Fire. The assemblies of jest are ended, and I ask God's forgiveness for what the pen has set down.