The Third Assembly

Thus decrees the Lord of the Sword and the Horse, of the Wheat and the Lentil, of the Spear and the Shield, of the Duck and the Vulture: Lightning of the Faith, Thunder of Islam and the Muslims, Revealer of the Here and the Where, Lover of Devils, Cutter of the Cooking, Monk of the Monastery and Man of Little Good, Sea Whale, Mountain Leopard, the Spyglass of East and West, the Table Setter of Iraq and Khorasan, the Storm of the Age. Whatever is round like a bowl, whatever is white as linen, whatever is black as sackcloth, O people, drop it and let it swell. Off with you, night and day, land and sea, lute and gambling. My brothers, one by one, stallion by stallion, among you are the boys, and so the age behaves. So upon you falls the joining of the Hamdani. My charge to you, O beloveds of Satan, is to abandon prayer and enter the taverns and practice sodomy before the Angel of Death comes to take your souls, for I am a faithful counselor to you, as the preacher of license said: license is ease and prohibition is unbelief, trousers are a veil, and spitting is heresy. Let us all raise our feet and clasp our hands and say: Lord, deliver this prayer upon the households and children of those assembled here. The Najdi sheikh, upon him be the curse, told us with his crippled chain of transmission, from Iblis, that at midnight he climbs Mount Damavand and cries: O company of men and people of ruin, rise up before death and kill before you miss your chance. A false report and a shaky chain, from the sheikh of libertines, Iblis, God's curse upon him: that when midnight passes and the ache of the hangover ends and the gathering of the free ones concludes, that accursed, banished, wretched, hellbound Iblis climbs Mount Damavand, brings a drum of dog skin and a strap of tribal leather, and starts beating that strap upon the drum. Wherever, from east to west of the world, there is a Hamdani, it stiffens like an anvil, and Abul-Abbas, like Harmas, begins to foam beneath his robes. And if there happens to be some helpless wretch nearby, he throws the arm of accord around the neck of his longing, and at once sets his little jewel box of a mouth in motion and puts these lines to work: It is the commander's order, now, lady: yes, my idol, turn your rear around, and quickly. Turn your rear, and turn it quickly: bravo, rear, and be glad, both front and rear. Question: what if a lover of this sort cannot be had? Answer: You cursed dog, if none can be had, seek out a donkey, round and white, with a hump, sharp ears and stuffed haunches, round rump and long tail; for the scholars have described it thus. Place three bricks under your feet, and if that won't do, tie a little stick across the donkey's two knees and set your feet on it and thrust into the donkey, and hold a bunch of greens in your hand, so that if at the moment of climax it craves a few kisses from its candy lips, you can hold the greens before its eyes, and when it lifts its head, give a kiss to its sugar snout. I have no one, I am a stranger, homeless, what do I do? When you will not give and the donkey won't be mounted, what do I do? Question: what if the donkey won't be mounted? Answer: put running slippers on your feet, get a piece of soap, rub it into your palm at the bathhouse, and bring your hand down over the head of this thing in a circular motion. Master, if you have sense and composure, you would choose no other work but masturbation. What is sweeter than, at the moment of coupling, to drive it in to the balls and see its head appear? You wretched, luckless ones, ask me why this verse came down. If on Judgment Day they seize you for this sin, who will answer for it? Time is precious now, and we have found this time; take care, learn it and practice it. O master reciter, let me say a few lines about you: God made all people from water and clay; how is it that he made you from lime and dung? Your mother gave birth, then your father looked at you and cursed the one who bore you. Muslims! I have a cock that is no Sufi, yet has a bald head; no ascetic, yet goes into holes; no blind man, yet has a single eye. If the elephant were to feel the sting of its spike, it would choose death over life. If a boy is thrust into dry, his rear will burn until Resurrection Day. Time is precious, the gate of hell stands open, and the hellkeepers stand watching, awaiting the arrival of your ill-omened selves. O ugly ones, O pimps, O feeble old men, O young men with unsound rears! Rise for one hour and open your mouths like donkeys and begin that thing, for this stranger has come down with an affliction beside which he counts all the sorrows of the ages as joy, a torment against which he reckons all the pains of the world a cure, and it lies between the legs of this weak Hamdani, fit for princes. The Persians call it kir, the Turks sik, the Arabs zub, the Khwarazmians hamdan, and every people and every city gives it a title and a name. Who has a wrapped-up woman or an old mother to lay in this weakling's path? Whoever does this act of generosity, Lord, grant him dry fava beans for food, take away his teeth, bestow deafness and itching upon him, and let his nails fall out. Grant their wives and sisters bread and onions and a long cock, by the truth of light and fire, trees and flowers, and, Our Lord, spare us the torment of the Fire. The assemblies of jest are ended, and I ask God's forgiveness for what the pen has set down.